Sex And The Sh*tty – A-Magazine

Sex And The Sh*tty

Being single has evolved alongside the era of connectivity. Be gone the days of meeting organically, farewell high-school sweethearts, adios happy ever after!

Say hello to, Sex And The Shitty…

50 Shades Of Freak 

The evil anonymity that the Internet provides enables the weirdest and most wonderful creatures of the human race to proudly exhibit their inner freak. When such behavioural traits would’ve landed you locked up back in the day, now they’re set loose in the public, roaming free!

Oh, you like to igloo do you? What’s that? Oh god no, NO! Block! Quickly BLOCK!

Swiping For The Love Of Prawn 

We’re innately wired to search and swipe for the alpha of the pack; skin deep of course… Hence the evolution of the prawn, aka “the everything but….”

Note the peacock effect of the headless body of a god that stops your thumb’s habitual left swiping motion in the tracks. You get a bit excited that you might not die alone because this body seems just so perfect for you. That is, until you’re 6 shots in and their face is obscurely reflected in something in the background….

The daydream is over, it’s just another prawn. Swipe!

The Nicknamed Nobodies 

Due to the sheer quantity of entirely unsuitable first dates you endure as a singleton, you’ll understand that it’s quite difficult to keep track of who’s who, let alone expecting your mates to!

These nameless many become associated to their most outlandish behavioural trait, or, ‘quality.’ For example: “The Daddy,” “Two-Weeker,” “Raison,” “Pill-Popper,” “Cokey,” “Married Tw*t,” “Skin-Flaps” etc, etc.

This is a coping mechanism for ‘single’ to keep loved ones connected to their love life dramas; without which, would be impossible.

Basic Incest 

It’s never nice when you stumble across someone you knows’ dating profile online; your mate – funny, an ex – sickening, your boss – awkward, or someone you knows’ partner – horrifying.

The lies, the pathetic self-sell and dear god, THE PHOTOS! It’s enough to   drive you to drink, drink the sight away…

Reclusing It Up 

Shopping for a date is hard work, pretty much like a second full time job. After the freaks, prawns, nicknamed nobodies and seeing your boss’ topless selfie, it all seems too much like hard work!

A night in alone watching your favourite series with a glass of wine is totally preferable to venturing out into the wilderness of first dates, just to find you bought that new dress for a guy who lied about his age, whose photos are 10 years out of date, who still lives with his “Mumsie” AND whose nose bled the whole time cause he was, “just. so. nervous.”

What’s so bad about being single anyway right?!